Doing what I love….and loving the money I make…day 23 of the next 45 days
I’m halfway through the next 45 days of the experiment. Wow, time has speeded up. I am working through alot of feelings of loss in these first 23 days. Loss of my artwork, collections, memories, collectibles, furniture and savings. How do I let go of these feelings and replace them with love?
I must find new ways to move through these feelings so that I can be in that love place once again. (i really liked the results that my first 45 day experiment yielded.) Who would win? The NAG, my EGO, and all of negativity that said, “it was all a fluke. You can’t have love and money. And this is why. Life is hard. It’s a struggle and love only works some of the time. Or was my BEING, the I AM in me, the love in me going to start calling the shots.
Again, I had to make a choice. Did I want to play with grief, apathy, lust, and anger? Or is my commitment to love greater than my need to feel bad. I wavered for a few days. Even that didn’t feel right. Pulling the covers over my head has never worked for me. I keep trying but my still small voice kept urging me to do whatever it took to move through these losses and get to the other side. The love side. The good side. The place where happiness lives.
For the sake of the experiment I consciously made a choice to take the time to do this. For at least three days I cried on and off. I was very angry. I didn’t want to talk to my husband, or look at him. But each day I faced my fears, my loss, my anger. I felt the feelings and prayed for a better way. I meditated daily for an hour at a time in “letting go.” I learned that the pain I was feeling was because I wanted to have control. I wanted to feel safe. I wanted life to go my way. The key here is in the word “wanting.” When I “want” something different in my life, I realized that I thought I was lacking. I was focusing on that I didn’t have. I was seeing everything that was wrong with me and my life. I was experiencing limitations, confusion, and anger. None of these energies have ever given me GOOD experiences. But that’s all I could feel as this victim of what happened. I prayed for a better way of seeing myself in this experience.
In my meditations, I saw how much I needed to control things. How much I wanted to feel safe and secure. How I longed for acceptance and approval. I desperately wanted to figure things out. In my quiet time I came face to face with these fears and I had to accept that I had them. I learned to say YES to the fact that I felt these feelings. Saying yes brought these feelings out in the open. I no longer had to suppress them. Saying “yes” to my need to control actually made it easier to “let go” of wanting control. When I saw that I needed to feel safe, and said yes to my fear of needing that safety, I was able to “let go” of the wanting so I could “have” it. This halfway mark is my time to pause. I’m letting go, consciously every time I feel that I “want” control, approval, and safety. This helps me return to my Beingness, which is where love, acceptance and peace live.
Good bye Nag…..hello love! It’s not easy for me yet, but I will continue the experiment. December 10th is the day. I promise that I will continue to “let go” of the wanting consciously. Stay tuned!